You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
