I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
