How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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