I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
