Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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