You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
