my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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