Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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