I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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