I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
