I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
