Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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