the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
