hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
