So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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