From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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