yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
