just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize