omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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