Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
