Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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