I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
