my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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