I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
