i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
