it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
