Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
