dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
