I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
