They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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