I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
