im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
