i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
