I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
