I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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