Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
