I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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