I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
It's official drugs can't kill me
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
