the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
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