The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
