she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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