I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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