I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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