mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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