no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
