To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
