There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
