M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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