I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
