he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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