Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
