if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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