I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize