Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My sheets look like a crime scene.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
