Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize