if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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