I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
