He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
