I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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