Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
