True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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