he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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